My cat gives me a boner
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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