What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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