Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
