Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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