I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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