bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I see more hoeing in ur future
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
