What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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