when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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