Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
