I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize