i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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