and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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