I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
