I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
