Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
only you would photoshop your dick
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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