guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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