I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
