Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
