My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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