wrigley field is MILF paradise
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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