holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
