I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
