In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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