A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
