One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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