On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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