his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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