i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
