apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize