so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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