I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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