The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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