I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
