sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Alive.
So much puke
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
