You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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