I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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