8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Your cock deserves a montage
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
