He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
