Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
