I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
