I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
