6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
