I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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