I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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