why didn't you poke me back
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
