mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
