A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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