Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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