Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Drunk is not a location!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
