Swine flu is the new snow day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
