fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
