tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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