he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
