I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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