All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
