if only i could text you this smell
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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