capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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