New low: just hacked my moms facebook
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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