I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He passed out mid-signature
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
