I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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