Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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