I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
