I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
