I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
