I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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