Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
