I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
